A good amount of you
at least, my closer friends/friends in my proximity/co workers in my proximity when we go out to that bar that has a heavily DANGEROUS happy hour on the night that I close that the romantic sweet relationship (or whatever it was…’hanging out’?) ended.
It ended.
It ended and I’m very unhappy about it. I mean, I did everything I was supposed/given cues to. I let myself go, and no I don’t regret that or the advice I had given or the beautiful, genuine feelings I felt for the first time…but I’m pissed that yet again letting go and trusting bit me in the ass. Yet again.
I don’t deserve this bullshit. I don’t. I deserve to be loved, respected, and adored by some amazing guy. I don’t want to waste my time finding someone else, I’ll be honest. It’s so tiring, getting used to being just me, feeling really good about myself and having fun with cute guys.
All I can think about, on this weekend that I booked a hotel for yesterday so I can just think alone in peace (and a little out loud cause I mumble), is how I miss being with him. How I devoted my weekends, moving shit around and even sacrificing shifts, for him. How I listened and gave as much advice as I had right to (and as was asked for), to him. How amazing the sex was with him. How beautiful those little moments were with him. How he showed me his favorite place in the city and made out with me on the mall (AT FUCKING SUNSET, SOME ROMANTIC SHIT THERE), and how the last time I saw him, he gladly made me dinner.
How I miss making dinner for a man. I mean, I like doing that for someone I care about. And I like hearing how that meal made him feel like a million bucks.
And how he sounded like a stranger both of the times I talked to him on the phone since he ended it. And how things went from sunny and sweet, carefree, to indifferently black and dark.
I hate it. I hate how he spared not an ounce of disrespect treating this ‘break off’. I hate not being able to get things about him, and him, out of my overactive as fuck mind.
Why?! Just, why. I can’t let this go because I did all I could do to make sure that if there was a quickly pending expiration date to this, to either of us, that we’d just come out and say we’re feeling uncomfortable. I don’t deserve a text message saying ‘things are getting too relationshipy’. ‘So I think it’s best if we nip this in the bud before either of us gets hurt’.
Too late pal. I know I invested time and emotion. I invested only because I got comfortable and trusting because YOU made me feel that way. We agreed to be completely honest and open with each other from our first fucking date, so what the fuck.
What the fuck, you beautiful asshole.
So the moment I get pissed off that you’ve decided not to respond to any of my communication, even when I didn’t go the distance of fucking CALLING you because I thought you were real busy, EVEN when you couldn’t come to this event I was working because you ‘got drunk last night with (your) boy’, things have gotten too ‘relationshipy’?!
What the fuck do you expect after you’ve shared so much with me, became so intimate with me, what the fucking fuck of a fuck?!
I feel like either he is just so scared of a relationship that he high tailed the shit out of there, or he just used me to get himself out of the rut he was in. I just can’t believe that it was time to end it. Somehow, me getting mad (as if I wouldn’t have if we were in an already understood fuck-buddy deal, psh) was a catalyst to this nonsense.
It makes me think about what I can do. Where is he?! Where the fuck is at least the first serious boyfriend before a possible slew? Why the fuck is it always me being used, even when I feel like all my needs are being met and I’m be treated like we’re in something that’s going somewhere?!
WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED AND STUPID?
Why can’t someone just see my value beyond my killer tits and voracious appetite for sex? I don’t even want to find a real rebound, just someone to do then run off feeling refreshed and ready for some DC dating. Cause in reality, DC dating sucks. And a good amount of men really fucking suck. They see me and they see this hot chicks friend. That is what they see. Yet for some reason, I’m naturally funny and charming, and not even pushing for their attention. I’m comfortable with the fact that some men don’t find me physically attractive, yes. I’m only uncomfortable with the fact that it is, without fail, the norm when I go out. I’m never that girl, desired, easily getting a drink or invited into conversation for her cool hair or gorgeous eyes or amazing style. Dating isn’t something I’ve been able to do because, you know, I never find anyone I am a) attracted to because b) their not attracted to me.
I’m fucking awesome. I cook like a boss, and am loving, nurturing, and I’m working through my selfish tendencies without compromising my self esteem. I’m funny, and I’m smart. I can carry and save conversations like that, and I make people at ease. I smell nice most of the time, but hey it’s summer and I sweat. I’m not skinny, but I like it that way. I’m straight forward, and I hate the dating game and what games you ‘must’ play.
It’s so simple. I’m ready for it, so why does it seem that every fucking time I’m comfortable and happy I get the rug pulled from under me? I mean, I’m not going to shut up and take shit I don’t deserve, I have a slew of females in my family that have done that and have had really unhealthy relationships since. And it’s not even like I have the wall up like I used to. I’m open to love, I’m open to dive into something wonderful and amazing.
But why is it so hard, when I’m sending this energy out, for me to get it. I’ve gone though too much to hear ‘well, life isn’t fair’ cause I really fucking know that. Life is hard and sad and trying. But how come it’s so much easier, for everyone around me, to find someone that loves them and respects them than me?
Where’s my break, huh? Where the fuck is my fucking time to get the love and care I deserve?
Fucking. Where.
