Posts tagged "Do's & Don'ts"
DON’T break up with anyone when they are still in your bed, naked, after some great morning sex or cuddling/spooning all night.
Not speaking of the present, thank goodness, but a cousin of mine called me up and told me this happened to her this morning.
Like, no, just no no no. It’s the surest way to make someone feel shamed, hurt, and intently hateful towards you.
DO buy a cosmo, sit your significant other/fuck buddy/person you’re dating down and laugh at the man advice and sex positions…
…it will always lead to ‘nookie’ (what cosmo calls sex/fucking). Pussies.
DO practice hardcore honesty. DON’T play dating games.
Games are stupid. That ‘but the chase is thrilling’ excuse has zero weight with me.
Yes, you want a man/woman working for it. No you don’t want to be dragging this person around until they cut the leash and gtfo.
Hardcore honesty doesn’t mean blurting out every single little thing coming into your mind, either.
When a question is asked you either:
Answer with honesty if you feel comfortable answering or
Decline, saying that you actually feel uncomfortable. No lame ass excuses. Those who have been on a total of 3 different dates can soon decipher what the bullshit is and isn’t.
Seriously, it’s the healthiest thing ever. You’ll never have that nagging feeling on your shoulder every time you think about what you’re not saying, and you can let a relationship grow.
DON’T hesitate in ordering that triple cheeseburger with bacon and all the fixings if you really want it on that first date.
Or steak. Or whatever.
The goal is neither to get the most expensive thing, the most ladylike thing, or the thing that you think will make an ‘impression’.
If you’re on a date with someone, if they gawk at that kind of shit they’re 1) Not right for you and 2) testy as fuck. As the rest of these Do’s and Don’ts, unless otherwise noted, this goes guys, girls, and all sexual orientations.
If you can’t eat what you like around this person, you can’t be able to get truly comfortable or honest with this person. Easy as that.
However, shirk on dessert if it’s a bad date. FER SHURE.
WAHHHH I CAN WEAR A WAR BONNET/WEAR A BINDI/GET A RACIST TATTOO/DRESS UP LIKE A RACIST CARICATURE BECAUSE IT’S MY BODY I CAN DO WHAT I WANTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT-
If a person of color tells you that something you’re doing is disrespectful, and you’re more concerned with your freedom to do that thing than you are with the fact that you’re hurting a group of marginalized people, CONGRATULATIONS! You’re a fucking racist.
The other people DON'T. Just don't.
- me: i am unhappy
- other people: there are people worse off than you
- me: that's not how that works
- ^^^ THIS.
- My school counselor said something along these lines when my father abandoning me, and my very unhealthy sexual habits (i.e. sleeping with people that did not give me any respect or consideration, which I damn well deserve, because I felt very very lonely and unloved) put in this terrible place. I hear this every time I had a depressive episode (twice, but it's been several months, and I'm doing really really fantastic) from friends, coworkers...even though a good amount of them knew I was on medication and diagnosed with clinical depression.
- Mr. Reynolds, please shove a splintery plank of wood dotted with rusty nails up your Bethesda-bourgeoisie-I-don't-care-since-you're-a-minority ass. Get some fucking training.
- (in other news, I'm doing super awesome. I'll write about it in a bit, boos!)
DON’T yell in the most awful tone ‘WELL THIS ISN’T AWKWARD AT ALL’ when your mortal enemy walks in to whatever place you’re at. Especially in the morning.
It’s obvious you are pushing this person out of the place, which you have no right to.
It’s obvious you’re acting like a cunt, which depending on a lot of things, you MIGHT have a right to.
It’s obvious that it is, in fact, FUCKING AWKWARD, so way to go, captain obvious.
If you’ve spent any time discussing or reading about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, I guarantee you’ve heard some variation of this statement:
OMG, Jews think any criticism of Israel is anti-Semitic!
In the interests of this post, I’m going to assume that the people who express such sentiments are acting in good faith and really don’t mean to cause pain to or problems for Diaspora Jewry. For those good-faith people, I present some guidelines for staying on the good side of that admittedly murky line, along with the reasoning why the actions I list are problematic. (And bad-faith people, you can no longer plead ignorance if you engage in any of these no-nos. Consider yourselves warned.) In no particular order:
- Don’t use the terms “bloodthirsty,” “lust for Palestinian blood,” or similar. Historically, Jews have been massacred in the belief that we use the blood of non-Jews (particularly of children) in our religious rituals. This belief still persists in large portions of the Arab world and even in parts of the Western world. Murderous, inhumane, cruel, vicious—fine. But blood…just don’t go there. (Depicting Israel/Israelis/Israeli leaders eating children is also a no-no, for the same reason.)
- Don’t use crucifixion imagery.Another huge, driving motivation behind anti-Semitism historically has been the belief that the Jews, rather than the Romans, crucified Jesus. As in #1, this belief still persists. There are plenty of other ways to depict suffering that don’t call back to ancient libels.
- Don’t demand that Jews publicly repudiate the actions of settlers and extremists. People who make this demand are assuming that Jews are terrible people or undeserving of being heard out unless they “prove” themselves acceptable by non-Jews’ standards. (It’s not okay to demand Palestinians publicly repudiate the actions of Hamas in order to be accepted/trusted, either.)
- Don’t say “the Jews” when you mean Israel. I think this should be pretty clear. The people in power in Israel are Jews, but not all Jews are Israelis (let alone Israeli leaders).
- Don’t say “Zionists” when you mean Israel. Zionism is no more a dirty word than feminism. It is simply the belief that the Jews should have a country in part of their ancestral homeland where they can take refuge from the anti-Semitism and persecution they face everywhere else. It does not mean a belief that Jews have a right to grab land from others, a belief that Jews are superior to non-Jews, or any other such tripe, any more than feminism means hating men. Unless you believe that Israel should entirely cease to exist, you are yourself Zionist. Furthermore, using “Zionists” in place of “Israelis” is inaccurate and harmful. The word “Zionists” includes Diasporan Jews as well (most of whom support a two-state solution and pretty much none of whom have any influence on Israel’s policies) and is used to justify anti-Semitic attacks outside Israel (i.e., they brought it on themselves by being Zionists). And many of the Jews IN Israel who are most violent against Palestinians are actually anti-Zionist—they believe that the modern state of Israel is an offense against God because it isn’t governed byhalakha(traditional Jewish religious law). Be careful with the labels you use.
- Don’t call Jews you agree with “the good Jews.” Imposing your values on another group is not okay. Tokenizing is not okay. Appointing yourself the judge of what other groups can or should believe is not okay.
- Don’t use your Jewish friends or Jews who agree with you as shields. (AKA, “I can’t be anti-Semitic, I have Jewish friends!” or “Well, Jew X agrees with me, so you’re wrong.”) Again, this behavior is tokenizing and essentially amounts to you as a non-Jew appointing yourself arbiter over what Jews can/should feel or believe. You don’t get to do that.
- Don’t claim that Jews are ethnically European. Jews come inmanycolors—white is only one. Besides, the fact that many of us have some genetic mixing with the peoples who tried to force us to assimilate (be they German, Indian, Ethiopian, Italian…) doesn’t change the fact that all our common ancestral roots go back to Israel.
- Don’t claim that Jews “aren’t the TRUE/REAL Jews.” Enough said.
- Don’t claim that Jews have no real historical connection to Israel/the Temple Mount. Archaeology and the historical record both establish that this is false.
- Don’t accuse Diasporan Jews of dual loyalties or treason. This is another charge that historically has been used to justify persecution and murder of Jews. Having a connection to our ancestral homeland is natural. Having a connection to our co-religionists who live there is natural. It is no more treasonous for a Jew to consider the well-being of Israel when casting a vote than for a Muslim to consider the well-being of Islamic countries when voting. (Tangent: fuck drone strikes. End tangent.)
- Don’t claim that the Jews control the media/banks/country that isn’t Israel. Yet another historical anti-Semitic claim is that Jews as a group intend to control the world and try to achieve this aim through shadowy, sinister channels. There are many prominent Jews in the media and in the banking industry, yes, but they aren’t engaged in any kind of organized conspiracy to take over those industries, they simplywork in those industries. The phrase “the Jews control” should never be heard in a debate/discussion of Israel.
- Don’t depict the Magen David (Star of David) as an equivalent to the Nazi swastika. The Magen David represents all Jews—not just Israelis, not just people who are violent against Palestinians, ALL JEWS. When you do this, you are painting all Jews as violent, genocidal racists. DON’T.
- Don’t use the Holocaust/Nazism/Hitler as a rhetorical prop. The Jews who were murdered didn’t set foot in what was then Palestine, let alone take part in Israeli politics or policies. It is wrong and appropriative to try to use their deaths to score political points. Genocide, racism, occupation, murder, extermination—go ahead and use those terms, but leave the Holocaust out of it.
- In visual depictions (i.e., political cartoons and such), don’t depict Israel/Israelis as Jewish stereotypes. Don’t show them in Chassidic, black-hat garb. Don’t show them with exaggerated noses or frizzled red hair orpayus(earlocks). Don’t show them with horns or depict them as the Devil. Don’t show them cackling over/hoarding money. Don’t show them drinking blood or eating children (see #1). Don’t show them raping non-Jewish women. The Nazis didn’t invent the tropes they used in their propaganda—all of these have been anti-Semitic tropes going back centuries. (The red hair trope, for instance, goes back to early depictions of Judas Iscariot as a redhead, and the horns trope stems from the belief that Jews are the Devil’s children, sent to destroy the world as best we can for our “father.”)
- Don’t use the phrase “the chosen people” to deride or as proof of Jewish racism. When Jews say we are the chosen people, we don’t mean that we are biologically superior to others or that God loves us more than other groups. Judaism in fact teaches that everyone is capable of being a righteous, Godly person, that Jews have obligations to be ethical and decent to “the stranger in our midst,” and that non-Jews don’t get sent to some kind of damnation for believing in another faith. When we say we’re the chosen people, we mean that, according to our faith, God gave us extra responsibilities and codes of behavior that other groups aren’t burdened with, in the form of the Torah. That’s all it means.
- Don’t claim that anti-Semitism is eradicated or negligible. It isn’t. In fact, according to international watchdog groups, it’s sharply on the rise. (Which sadly isn’t surprising—anti-Semitism historically surges during economic downturns, thanks to the belief that Jews control the banks.) This sort of statement is extremely dismissive and accuses us of lying about our own experiences.
- Don’t say that since Palestinians are Semites, Jews/Israelis are anti-Semitic, too. You do not get to redefine the oppressions of others, nor do you get to police how they refer to that oppression. This also often ties into #8. Don’t do it. Anti-Semitism has exclusively meant anti-Jewish bigotry for a good century plus now. Coin your own word for anti-Palestinian oppression, or just call it what it is: racism mixed with Islamophobia.
- Don’t blow off Jews telling you that what you’re saying is anti-Semitic with some variant of the statement at the top of this post. Not all anti-Israel speech is anti-Semitic (a lot of it is valid, much-deserved criticism), but some certainly is. Actually give the accusation your consideration and hear the accuser out. If they fail to convince you, that’s fine. But at least hear them out (without talking over them) before you decide that.
I’m sure this isn’t a comprehensive list, but it covers all the hard-and-fast rules I can think of. (I welcome input for improving it.)
But wait! Why should I care about any of this? I’m standing up for people who are suffering!
You should care because nonsense like the above makes Jews sympathetic to the Palestinian plight wary and afraid of joining your cause. You should care because, unfortunately, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has correlated to an uptick in anti-Semitic attacks around the world, attacks on Jews who have no say in Israeli politics, and this kind of behavior merely aggravates that, whether you intend it to or not.
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is a real minefield in that it’s a clash between oppressed people of color and an ethnoreligious group that is dominant in Israel but marginalized and brutalized elsewhere (often nowadays on the exact grounds that they share ethnoreligious ties with the people of Israel), so it’s damned hard to toe the line of being socially aware and sensitive to both groups. I get that. But I think itispossible to toe that line, and I hope this post helps with that. (And if a Palestinian makes a similar list of problematic arguments they hear targeted at them, I’d be happy to reblog it, too.)
So, TL;DR version:
- Dogo ahead and criticize Israel.
- Don’tuse anti-Semitic stereotypes or tropes.
- Don’tuse overly expansive language that covers Jews as a whole and not just Israel.
- Don’tuse lies to boost your claims.
- Doengage Jews in conversation on the issues of Israel and of anti-Semitism, rather than simply shutting them down for disagreeing.
- Dotry to be sensitive to the fact that, fair or not, many people take verbal or violent revenge for the actions of Israelis on Diasporan Jews, and Diasporan Jews are understandably frightened and upset by this.
May there be peace in our days.
This this this is so important and well-written and informative!I am owning the fact that I have said anti-Zionist things before and even somewhat considered myself an anti-Zionist before reading this, without thinking of it from the perspective of #5 above. “Unless you believe that Israel should entirely cease to exist, you are yourself Zionist.” —-> I don’t believe Israel should cease to exist, and I do believe in the possibility of a two state solution. My understanding of Zionism has been pretty reactionary based off the fact that I have felt like I was brainwashed as a child attending Hebrew School for many years, where Zionism was always portrayed as a wonderful thing, and it’s harms were never acknowledged. When I became more aware of the realities of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict and and how fucked up it is to teach children that they should have blind allegiance to Israel and Zionism because of Judaism’s heritage and history, I began to think of Zionism as this paternalistic, manifest destiny-type phenomenon & never really looked back. Reading this has definitely caused me to reevaluate that stance and reconsider the stakes of using the phrase “anti-Zionist”. Semantics matter.
This is a DO READ AND COMPREHEND AND PRACTICE.
