- Woman: I'm smart
- Patriarchy: Well you're probably ugly then
- Woman: I'm creative
- Patriarchy: You mean unattractive right?
- Woman: I have all these incredible accomplishments
- Patriarchy: Yeah but look how ugly you looked doing them
- Woman: I have value
- Patriarchy: Not if you're ugly lol
- Woman: I'm conventionally-attractive & posted selfies on my blog
- Patriarchy: I'm so sick of these empty-headed chicks only caring about their looks. Just because you are attractive and get attention from men doesn't mean you are special or deserve respect. Why don't you read a book or do something productive with your life you dumb slut
How do I learn to have faith again, to love myself and to find someone to love, when every time I do I get burned? When every time I try, and persist, and be happy just doing and being me, either I meet no one or someone awful digs their claws into me and rips me into pieces? How can I even think about doing that, when everything around me tells me I’m not enough, that I’m not worth it, that I’m fat and ugly and cumbersome? Or even worse, that this is my fate? That no matter how good I am, that I’m just meant to be alone?
This time last year I was so happy. I had hope bursting from within me.
And now, now I’m so sad. And I’m still thinking about him and how we were on a day like today. And how no matter how hard I try, I’m not enough. And how next time I’m found, it’ll just be another time someone lifts me to the sky, only to throw me back down on the pavement.
take a deep breath and repeat after me:
- i am not a letter grade
- i am not a gpa
- i am not a statistic
- i am not just a student
- i am good at something
- i am more than what an institution tells me i am
yeah except if i get a letter grade or GPA of a C or D or lower i am probably not going to get a job so this is bullshit
I’d like to say this is true. But its not.
It actually is. Yes that menial, shitty little piece of paper called a degree will get you a job…MAYBE. In the end, YOUR knowledge and self is what gets you a job. Any idiot that thinks school is what prepares them for the future is a complete dumbass.
And really, just stop saying “should” to yourself about your thoughts and feelings in any context. You feel how you feel. The things in your head are the things in your head. You can’t change either directly through sheer force of will. You can only change what you do. Stop beating yourself up for who and what you are right now–it isn’t productive. Focus on moving forward.
…. I think I needed this right now.
This is GREAT.
This…I was just talking about this all this week.
Well, my dearly beloveds, I know my name is Hot Toddy.
Refers to the well known home remedy for a bad cold or just a bad, cold day. Whiskey, honey, tea..more whiskey. Yada yada.
But things have been getting quite green in my new neighborhood in DC. With such plentiful shrubbery, gorgeous buds blooming…I think I might talk a little about how this season influences my thoughts. Let’s dig in.
My housemate kills his laptop’s key board. I thought I was forceful, but THIS MAN. LIKE MY GOD DON’T BREAK IT. And then he’s so fast (dur, writer reporter has to have some serious shorthand skills), it’s like an event. And now he’s right across from me, sleeping soundly and adorably as I listen to Sun Ra. Things are going well.
Today, walking around Petworth, the trees were shedding so mad hard
bro. Just, blasts and gusts of foliage, seeds, the works. It nearly looked like a light flurry. And now it’s gusting up what seems like a nasty storm. Like something spiritual will die tonight. (BTW, Sun Ra’s Sleeping Beauty climaxed and apexed write as I was typing that. BIZARRO AWESOME.)
I think I’m totally ready for something to die tonight. And not in my usual ‘despair is beautiful, sadness is the best’ mentality. I’m ready for this stagnant, dead part of me to slough off. It’s about time.
Perceptions of beauty (and the connection it has to self worth) confuse, embitter, and completely floor me. I don’t know what to feel, or think…I don’t know how I even got to not knowing what to feel or think. I’m slowly realizing that my jokes and funny stories about being a very sheltered kid (let’s not confuse it with pampered/spoiled, kids) are a pretty stark truth. I thought I recognized how different my experience was in high school. But fresh out of college(ish), living that life we totally we forgot we were working on….I see so many strange disconnects that don’t allow me to completely understand what some people feel per their up-bringing.
Now beat-poetry to fire music is on. FUCK YES, I did a good job logging into this radio show. (WPFW DC 86.3 — Overnight Jazz w/ Luke Stewart)
I wish there were more fire music playing in the city. The straight ahead style jazz just wears on me, makes me feel jaded because it’s something I’ve hear before. How much more can you, in fact, expand hard bop? It’s cool, but improvisation isn’t as ecstatic as it should be.
Don’t get me started on Big Band.
But Free jazz? Fire Music? Fucking hell, give me that, and I’ll feel things in ways I’ve never felt them. Give me that twinge of humanly impulsive, resonating sound of people seated as we were making music together, in a circle, listening more that with ears.
Goddamn, I love free jazz.
And now my loves, this concludes a fresh, green, hopeful introduction to the Springy Chronicles.
Stay tuned, where we play The One Where Adriana Talks About Bathroom Etiquette At A So-so Party!